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CULTURE:
In America only the successful author is important, in France all writers are important,
in England no writer is important, in Australia you have to explain what a writer is ....
POLITICS:
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is Politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so
let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll
call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The
People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother,
we can call "The Future". Do you understand son?
Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents'
room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through
the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally
unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to
sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government
is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of
shit."
TRAVEL:
In most industries, what you see is what you get. For example, the following conversation
might take place in a hardware store:
Customer: "Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: "$12 a litre for regular, $18 for premium. How much do you need?
Customer: "Five litres of regular, please."
Clerk: "That'll be $60."
But what if the paint shop is run by an airline? The conversation would go something like
this:
Customer: "How much is your paint?"
Clerk: "Well sir, that all depends."
Customer: "Depends on what?"
Clerk: "Well, there are lots of things."
Customer: "How about giving me an average price?"
Clerk: "Wow! That's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a litre and
we have 150 prices up to $200 a litre.
Customer: "What's the difference in the paint?"
Clerk: "Oh, there isn't any difference. It's the same paint."
Customer: "Then I'd like some of the $9 paint."
Clerk: "Well, first I'd need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend
to use it?"
Customer: "I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off."
Clerk: "Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint."
Customer: "What! When would I have to paint to get the $9 paint?"
Clerk: "In 3 weeks. But you'll have to start painting before Saturday that
week and continue painting until at least Sunday."
Customer: "You've got to be kidding."
Clerk: "Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see
if we have any of that paint available."
Customer: "You have shelves full of the stuff. I can see it."
Clerk: "Just because you can see it doesn't mean we have it. It may be the
same paint, but we sell only a certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price just went to $12."
Customer: "What! The price rose while we were talking?"
Clerk: "Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules hundreds of times a
day. Since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just
decided to change. How many litres do you want?"
Customer: "I don't know exactly, maybe five. Perhaps I should buy six litres
just to make sure I have enough."
Clerk: "Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't
use it you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already
have."
Customer: "What!!"
Clerk: "We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, hall, bathroom and
bedroom. But if you stop painting before you do the bedroom you will be in violation of
our pricing policy."
Customer: "What does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint if I've
already paid for it?"
Clerk: "Sir, there is no point in getting upset. That's just the way it
is."
Customer: "Well, that does it. I'm going somewhere else."
Clerk: "Won't do any good sir. We all have the same rules."
LAW:
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the
avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady
walking ahead of them.
One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the
night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around,
and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to
leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me
the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and
explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such
grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as
follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of
property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which
property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time
for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used
it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating
the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The
rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment
be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had
presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the
way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client
agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such
property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the
transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he
placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed
personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were
sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately
compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that
judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered thus: "Your honor, my client agrees that
the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant
not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property.
Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled
out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged
the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it
was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to
others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "pay the $125.00 or
have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant wrote a check immediately.